Joanna Jeanine’s Diary Entry #18

I figure I should start adding to my diary for the new year. I have been slacking on it. I should be more vigilant, but depression gets to me. Plus, I am on a ton of pain and psych meds that are sedating.

I often feel alone. I feel sad. For the world, for myself. It’s terrible out there, and we are doing it to ourselves. One of the reasons I don’t get outside much is because of fear. I know one should not live in fear of the world, but take the good with the bad. It seems to me there is becoming much more bad in the world than one can or should tolerate. The other reason is tedium. I see the same thing happening day after day, mindlessly spiralling downward, and it leaves me feeling with a sense of ennui. Part also why I am a night person. I cannot stand the world during the daytime.

Searching within myself, I find that sometimes I no longer care about a better world. I know it doesn’t or won’t exist. Things seem to just get worse and worse. Why wish? Why pray? Why pine for it? It’s never going to happen. Maybe that is fatalistic to say, but it is true. We are all inherently flawed people. It is what makes us unique to one another, yes, but it is also a double-edged sword because while flaws bring beauty to the world, they also bring divisiveness and derision.